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IP - March 5, 2003
In an effort to stem the perceived threat of a widespread invasion of vocal
music on domestic soil, Tivertone Records in conjunction with an unnamed
Massachusetts-based musical drink tank, has just announced the deployment
of as many as four (4) Nebulas battle poops to Somerville, MA. With hopes
of a diplomatic solution quickly evaporating, use of the musical option
could be seen as early as March 19th and would be the first appearance of
The Nebulas in close to 5 months. An anonymous official speaking outside
the headquarters of The Nebulas Central Command, known only as "Dirty
Sanchez," said today that despite the relatively low public profile of The
Nebulas in recent months, the crack squad has been training extensively for
an urban assault of this nature and will be fully prepared to unleash hot
fury on the non-believers should the need arise, adding "and I belive it
will."
While a source at the NSA (Nebulas Surf Artillery) range in Bridgewater, MA
would not officially confirm the identity of the target area, widely
acknowledged to be The Sky Bar in downtown Somerville, he did admit that
the ammunition used in this new type of conflict would be unlike any The
Nebulas have used before, stating "the equipment is essentially the same,
but the devastating power that it now produces is nothing short of
awe-inspiring."
Responding to protesters camped outside his office in Billerica, MA,
Nebulas mouthpiece F. Baggins lashed out at "those elements of society that
think we're going it alone," emphatically reminding critics of the willing
participation of our allies, The Phantom Creeps and The Spoilers, in this
effort. In an attempt to downplay the fact that The Spoilers have been
rumored to employ the occasional use of vocal chords in their strategy, Mr.
Baggins replied, "ska, surf - what the hell, they both start with the letter
's'" Recent public opinion polls show a majority of instro advocates
favor the inclusion of the Spoilers to assist in the occupation and
adminstration of a post-surf Sky Bar once The Nebulas have completed their
mission.
Chemical analyst and liquid fuel procurement expert Rusty Shackelford gave
reporters some insight as to the possible strategy of the campaign, "all of
the forces should be in place and prepared to launch the offensive by 2100
hours on March 19th, should the order be given." The current plan calls
for an initial aural assault of evil to be undertaken by The Phantom Creeps,
followed by a two-pronged, reacharound attack on civilian targets conducted
simultaneously by the elite "Showman" division backed by the Fender 4-10
and Rogers Tower units. "The goal here is to shock the audience leadership
into submission quickly with an attack much, much, much different than the
mere 30 minute set used in the 2002 Halloween Conflict," said Shackelford,
noting that his expanded liver capacity would be a decisive factor in
securing the tap fields and protecting them from destruction at the hands of
the infidels. Immediately following The Nebulas' egress from the hot
zone, The Spoilers will serve in a peacekeeping role and attempt to restore
some semblance of order on the distraught masses. While projected
estimates of civilian casualties have not been discussed, the financial cost
to each of The Nebulas battle division is believed to be between $15 and $20
depending on travel distance and gasoline prices. This scenario does not
take into account the potential abduction of Nebulas transport vehicles by
ruthless local warlords driving hijacked tow trucks, which could elevate the
per-Nebulas cost to as much as $150.
For complete coverage of this developing crisis, go to www.thenebulas.com
and visit the "shows" page. And don't forget to stop by the on-line store
on your way to the refugee camp. So far, no one has been arrested or
thrown out of school for proudly wearing a Nebulas tshirt.
Interactive Crisis Timeline and Scheduled Poop Deployment:
Date: Wednesday March 19th
Time: 9pm Eastern Time (although, as a compromise, some have submitted a
proposed:start time of 9:30)
Location: THE SKY BAR - 518 Somerville Ave, Somerville, MA 617-623-5223
Operation Sequence: Phantom Creeps, The Nebulas, The Spoilers
For directions to the DVZ (de-vocalized zone) visit
For sexy reporters (preferably females between the ages of 18 and milf)
wishing to be embedded with our battle units, email me off list